Thursday, May 30, 2013

Dear Nanabanana Follow Up!

Oh my GOODNESS! We've got a few bullies here who are VERY sorry they messed with Phyllis! First of all, they were deprived of their little fish crackers. Next, a little shampoo on the shower stall floors resulted in a slippery boom boom on their bottoms. But best of all, someone who will remain nameless, (me) got hold of some hot Chili pepper and sprinkled it in their underpants while they were busy trying to get up from the shower floor. We made sure Phyllis got to see them doing a high speed Chicken Dance while they screamed for mama. I think that should be enough to influence their future behavior. When the chefs asked what was up, we just told them that Monty's imaginary baboon did it. Not sure they bought that story. Too bad you can't pull those kind of stunts in the outside world without the probability of winding up in jail. If you get caught, that is. Thankfully, the insane have a lot more latitude in the naughty department. But you knew that already, didn't you.

Other than that, things have been basically normal around here, by our standards anyway. Memorial Day was a hoot. Hot dogs, beans, potato salad and watermelons have great aerodynamic properties. Of course, a few people couldn't resist doing things with hot dogs that got them sent to their rooms, so they missed out on the ice cream. Not me! I learned that lesson the hard way last year! Our veterans, Earl, Roy, and Angus, got extra helpings, salutes and lots of hugs and kisses. They were gong to use the watermelons like bombs to reenact their favorite battles, but they ate too much and fell asleep on the buffet table. We managed to toss a few anyway. Don't watermelons make a lovely splat!

Here's the follow up on Edgar the skeleton! Isn't it amazing the affect he's had on Dina's life! He's really brought her out of her shell!


Regarding Edgar

May 30, 2013
Frederick Bimmel for the Kinnybunkton Patriot

Our readers will recognize the name Dina Grimdust. Ms. Grimdust appeared at the Yummy Yum Cafe' earlier this May with a skeleton she referred to as Edgar. Efforts by authorities to identify the skeleton included a visit to Ms. Grimdust's home and produced a surprising discovery. Within the attic recess where the skeleton had been stored a diary was found. Packed beneath cedar chips, presumably used to mask the odor of decomposition, the diary made short work of the investigation. The diary, dated 1919 and authored by Mrs. Fiona Pincrest, made reference to the man who wound up in her attic. If that weren't bizarre enough, the diary revealed that Ms. Grimdust has named the skeleton correctly. Excerpt below:

"Oh give me my darling Edgar! I have gone against God to be his lover! My shame is my glory! As I lay beside my husband each night I can only think of Edgar sleeping in the barn loft! Such a humble bed for the man I truly love! It takes all my restraint not to rush out of the house and join him! I am consumed with sinful longing for his touch, his kiss, his manly passion! How can I continue this charade while I live with the knowledge that I carry his child?"

The diary goes on to give some graphic details unsuitable for print. It concludes with an entry stating that Mrs. Pincrest suspected her husband, Mr. Thornton Pincrest, was aware of her affair. Given the dates, the child Mrs. Pincrest mentioned would have been her first born son, Sheldon Pincrest, who was the father of our own mayor, Thornton Pincrest II. 

"You just never know, do you," remarked coroner Martin Bugthistle. "We can't find any mention of an Edgar in the census or church records from those days, but we sure as hell know what he was up to!" Under the circumstances, it's unlikely that Edgar will ever be positively identified. Authorities have concluded that he was a wandering farmhand, a common occupation in those days. Most likely, Mr. Pincrest found the diary and dispatched Edgar out of righteous anger over his wife's illegitimate child.

When shown the diary, Mayor Pincrest was naturally shocked, but somewhat pleased.
"What do you know. Grandma was a real spicy lady!" he remarked. "Of course, I knew my grand parents were prominent and where they lived, but who'd guess that my dad was a bastard!" The mayor was more than willing to leave the skeleton of his true grandfather with Ms. Grimdust but kept the diary, "for the family archives". 

It's hoped that this article will serve as notice that Ms. Grimdust and Edgar will continue their relationship. Students of the Kinybunkton Community College, who have been picketing the mayor's office daily, may now direct their interests elsewhere. A visit to Ms. Grimdust's home found her on the back porch with Edgar, enjoying the fine spring weather on her glider. Edgar was appropriately dressed in blue jean overalls and bandanna head dress. 

"I'm so relieved that the controversy has ended so quickly," Ms. Grimdust said. "We've had many visitors since it all started and made new friends.  We're so happy that Edgar has relatives in town! I think the mayor looks quite a lot like Edgar! Next week we're going over to the Community College so the kids can see all the knife marks on Edgar's ribs. It all just goes to show how appealing a guy can be, whether he's alive or not."

 Art by Abril Andrade Griffith


Saturday, May 18, 2013

Dear Nanabanana X4!

Well! I never thought any of my buddies here at the maximum security psychiatric facility could be so CRUEL! Yesterday Duds and I walked into the craft room and a few of the guys (who I'll leave nameless) were harassing Phyllis! They were telling her the North Koreans were coming for her! So, of course, she was hiding behind an easel, crying and trying to shoot at North Koreans with a tube of acrylic paint. (The craft room needed more color anyway.) Where are the chefs when you need them!

So Duds and I went into action. We quickly wadded up some balls of clay and let 'em fly! Ever get hit in the head with a wad of clay? You wouldn't like it. Neither did the bullies. There was some hollering and then they ran from the room. The noise attracted people from the dining hall, so we got a good round of applause. Then Duds and I helped Phyllis come back to reality, which was a trick for her. She's only been on meds for a few weeks. The last thing her nerves needed was a dose of stress.

Everybody that wasn't a bully gathered around Phyllis in support and the bullies found themselves the objects of social rejection. That's likely to last awhile. There's a few rules here and they broke one BIG time. It's fine to join in on a delusion if the person who's delusional enjoys it. If you're contributing to somebody's pain it's entirely unacceptable. The whole episode put my brain into a high geared spin. I thought of all the attention bullying is getting in the press and how bullying plays into other social issues. Then, I remembered this letter I got last week. The backlash was almost immediate, so I've included that here too.


Dear Nanabanana,

I've always been a quiet, unassuming person. I'm a middle aged, single woman with no family and I'm very shy. Even at my job in the cardboard box factory I hardly ever talk to anybody. A few years ago I bought an old farmhouse in a small town in Massachusetts. Last year I decided to add some insulation in the attic. I pulled up the floor boards and discovered that a skeleton was packed beneath them! I pulled him out, wired up his loose parts and set him on the sofa in the parlor. In almost no time I was talking to him. Since he's even quieter than I am, he makes good company. I decided to name him Edgar and he sits with me at supper, watches TV with me and rests with me on my glider in the screened porch out back.

While I realize this is an odd relationship I can't imagine why anyone would object. Then there's our human rights to consider. Don't we have a right to be friends even if people don't agree? Still, I'm wary of taking him out in public. It would be great to take him to the movies or a nice cafe' but I fear the attention it might bring us. He doesn't complain but it seems cruel to keep him in the house all the time. Edgar and I would appreciate any thoughts or ideas you might have regarding live/dead relationships.

Thank you,
Friendly Bones


Dear Friendly,

I assume you and Edgar aren't having sex, since he's missing a few important parts. As far as I know the only laws against your relationship pertain to sex between live and dead people (necrophilia). Other objections are just artificial social conventions and hardly worth mentioning. It does remind me of the struggle gay people face when they want to get married. I've never understood why straight people are so cruel to gay people. If you're feeling brave enough to take Edgar out, why not? The worst that can happen is a tangle with the authorities. If you have the courage, you could strike a blow for live/dead relations!

My only word of caution is; get a lawyer. Sorry to say, my advice tends to result in people being jailed or declared insane, so think hard before you act. Also, keep in mind that the rest of society is going to be against you. It takes a lot of backbone to stand up against that. (No joke intended.) So make the decision that's best for you two, and enjoy your friendship. It's hard to find true friends, and Edgar sounds like a great guy! He can't walk out on you or drink up your beer! Say Hi for me!

Your friend,


So, wouldn't you know, here's the results;

Bony Buddy Gets Attention

May 17, 2013
Fredrick Bimmel for the Kinnybunkton Patriot

Patrons got a shock when Kinnybunkton resident Dina Grimdust took a seat at a sidewalk table of the Yummy Yum Cafe'. Ms. Grimdust wasn't the problem, but her partner was. Ms. Grimdust was accompanied by a skeleton. Owner Bob Button summoned police when Ms. Grimdust refused to remove the skeleton and leave. As police arrived, Kinnybunkton Community College students, who were marching for gay marriage rights at General Skeezer Park across the street, dropped their signs to join Ms. Grimdust in solidarity.

This reporter was down the street and joined the growing crowd while police attempted to detain Ms. Grimdust and take possession of the skeleton. Three lawyers, Attorneys Ruddy Weiner, and Coxe, also patrons of the cafe', confronted the bemused police officers on behalf of Ms. Grimdust and her skeleton. As it became known that the skeleton was on her property when Ms. Grimdust purchased it, the three attorneys pointed out that she had every right to claim ownership. When Ms. Grimdust stated that she found the skeleton in her attic, the lawyers agreed that its removal did not constitute grave robbing and it's probable that Ms. Grimdust will only need a permit to keep it. 

Students chanted "Freedom for Skeletons!" as cafe' owner Mr. Button and our local police officers wiped tears of laughter from their eyes. "I can't wait to tell the Chief about this!" declared Officer Walt Teasdale. "I can't wait to tell my wife!" said Officer Dale Featherbalm. Under the circumstances, police decided not to detain Ms. Grimdust, but wrote her a ticket for disturbing the peace. It's expected there will be an investigation into the skeleton's identity and how it got in her attic. Given the aged, yellow coloring of the skeleton and the few years that Ms. Grimdust has owned her property, it seems unlikely that she put it there herself.

With three attorneys proffering their cards, Ms. Grimdust won't lack representation should that prove necessary. As she prepared to leave Ms. Grimdust lifted her skeleton, turned to the crowd and called out, "Edgar is my best friend and nobody is going to separate us!"

The crowd went wild


See this here? Living people and skeletons have been friends for a long time! Not sure how the Saki sucking monkey fits in...






Monday, May 6, 2013

I'm Crazy and I Have a Gun!

Hi everybody!  Hope you all had a fine Cinco de Mayo!  It was wild here at the maximum security psychiatric facility!  We had a swell time with the construction paper making ponchos and sombreros.  We pretended to be Mexicans, shouting, "Fuego!" or  "Dos cerveza por favor!" or "Mi aerodeslizador esta lleno de anguilas!" (which means, 'My hovercraft is full of eels' and doesn't have anything to do with Cinco de Mayo but we like it anyway.)  The tacos and burritos went air borne as usual and the re-fried beans stuck to our faces real well.  Of course, the Mariachi music was playing full blast so it seemed like a good time to put Phyllis through orientation.

Phyllis arrived here on April 1st but wasn't up to socializing for a few days.  It takes awhile to get on meds and become somewhat conscious of reality.  Phyllis got picked up because she was waging her own little war with imaginary people, but using a real shotgun.  By the time they dug her out of her bomb shelter she was a real mess.  So we took great care showing her how to start a food fight, wreck the arts and crafts room and pick the lock on the elevator.  I think she'll fit right in.

That reminds me!  I got a letter from my actual old friend Mary Theresa.  She and I were great pals back in the day and worked together at a mud wrestling establishment.  We liked to hang out at the local biker club and had many a riotous adventure.  One time we went to the roof of the club house and threw shingles at the police when they came to arrest our buddies for whatever stupid excuse they could come up with.  Anyway, I thought you, my faithful readers, would enjoy reading the letter.  Everybody here got a kick out of it.  (We always share our letters.)

Dear Nanabanana,

Long time no shit!  I'm writing from the county jail while the sphincters of authority decide what to do with me.  Guess they didn't like it when I showed up at Governor Ricky Snyder's house.  I took along my AK47 and shot a few rounds in the air while I was yelling, "I'm crazy and I have a gun!"  They didn't even know a crazy people's rights activist when they saw one!
Of course, I'm twisted and I can prove it, so buying a gun was easy.  Gun dealers have no problem selling all the weapons a lunatic wants, since there's no background checks that track us, yet.  Makes it a lot easier to fight the good fight, bringing insanity into the light of day and demanding that 2nd Amendment rights are not withheld from the mentally disturbed.
Well, maybe I should change that to made it a lot easier to fight the good fight, since I've been denied my 2nd Amendment rights already.  Respect runs short for us psychos, doesn't it?  Sure hope you're doing OK.  Maybe I'll get sent to your place and we can form an insane political activists gang!  We, the psychotic, disenfranchised misanthropes gotta stick together!  Here's a photo of me in my glory.  Send me a photo of you if you can.

Stay cool,
Mary Theresa

Now, I didn't see any news on Mary Theresa's story, so I have to wonder if she's not exaggerating a tad.  After all, she really is a nut case.  The only other explanation I can think of is that they kept the story under wraps so more psychos wouldn't stop by to visit the Governor.  I'm betting Mary Theresa will be contacting every wacko she knows to push her agenda and Snyder will be having more guests real soon.  And why not?  Isn't that what democracy is all about?  

 The top photo is Mary Theresa.  The guys here at the facility think the bottom photo is what she ought to look like.  (Perverts.)

Well, that's all for now folks!  Load 'em if you got 'em and buy 'em if you don't.  (Guns, not boobs.)