Thursday, May 30, 2013

Dear Nanabanana Follow Up!

Oh my GOODNESS! We've got a few bullies here who are VERY sorry they messed with Phyllis! First of all, they were deprived of their little fish crackers. Next, a little shampoo on the shower stall floors resulted in a slippery boom boom on their bottoms. But best of all, someone who will remain nameless, (me) got hold of some hot Chili pepper and sprinkled it in their underpants while they were busy trying to get up from the shower floor. We made sure Phyllis got to see them doing a high speed Chicken Dance while they screamed for mama. I think that should be enough to influence their future behavior. When the chefs asked what was up, we just told them that Monty's imaginary baboon did it. Not sure they bought that story. Too bad you can't pull those kind of stunts in the outside world without the probability of winding up in jail. If you get caught, that is. Thankfully, the insane have a lot more latitude in the naughty department. But you knew that already, didn't you.

Other than that, things have been basically normal around here, by our standards anyway. Memorial Day was a hoot. Hot dogs, beans, potato salad and watermelons have great aerodynamic properties. Of course, a few people couldn't resist doing things with hot dogs that got them sent to their rooms, so they missed out on the ice cream. Not me! I learned that lesson the hard way last year! Our veterans, Earl, Roy, and Angus, got extra helpings, salutes and lots of hugs and kisses. They were gong to use the watermelons like bombs to reenact their favorite battles, but they ate too much and fell asleep on the buffet table. We managed to toss a few anyway. Don't watermelons make a lovely splat!

Here's the follow up on Edgar the skeleton! Isn't it amazing the affect he's had on Dina's life! He's really brought her out of her shell!


Regarding Edgar

May 30, 2013
Frederick Bimmel for the Kinnybunkton Patriot

Our readers will recognize the name Dina Grimdust. Ms. Grimdust appeared at the Yummy Yum Cafe' earlier this May with a skeleton she referred to as Edgar. Efforts by authorities to identify the skeleton included a visit to Ms. Grimdust's home and produced a surprising discovery. Within the attic recess where the skeleton had been stored a diary was found. Packed beneath cedar chips, presumably used to mask the odor of decomposition, the diary made short work of the investigation. The diary, dated 1919 and authored by Mrs. Fiona Pincrest, made reference to the man who wound up in her attic. If that weren't bizarre enough, the diary revealed that Ms. Grimdust has named the skeleton correctly. Excerpt below:

"Oh give me my darling Edgar! I have gone against God to be his lover! My shame is my glory! As I lay beside my husband each night I can only think of Edgar sleeping in the barn loft! Such a humble bed for the man I truly love! It takes all my restraint not to rush out of the house and join him! I am consumed with sinful longing for his touch, his kiss, his manly passion! How can I continue this charade while I live with the knowledge that I carry his child?"

The diary goes on to give some graphic details unsuitable for print. It concludes with an entry stating that Mrs. Pincrest suspected her husband, Mr. Thornton Pincrest, was aware of her affair. Given the dates, the child Mrs. Pincrest mentioned would have been her first born son, Sheldon Pincrest, who was the father of our own mayor, Thornton Pincrest II. 

"You just never know, do you," remarked coroner Martin Bugthistle. "We can't find any mention of an Edgar in the census or church records from those days, but we sure as hell know what he was up to!" Under the circumstances, it's unlikely that Edgar will ever be positively identified. Authorities have concluded that he was a wandering farmhand, a common occupation in those days. Most likely, Mr. Pincrest found the diary and dispatched Edgar out of righteous anger over his wife's illegitimate child.

When shown the diary, Mayor Pincrest was naturally shocked, but somewhat pleased.
"What do you know. Grandma was a real spicy lady!" he remarked. "Of course, I knew my grand parents were prominent and where they lived, but who'd guess that my dad was a bastard!" The mayor was more than willing to leave the skeleton of his true grandfather with Ms. Grimdust but kept the diary, "for the family archives". 

It's hoped that this article will serve as notice that Ms. Grimdust and Edgar will continue their relationship. Students of the Kinybunkton Community College, who have been picketing the mayor's office daily, may now direct their interests elsewhere. A visit to Ms. Grimdust's home found her on the back porch with Edgar, enjoying the fine spring weather on her glider. Edgar was appropriately dressed in blue jean overalls and bandanna head dress. 

"I'm so relieved that the controversy has ended so quickly," Ms. Grimdust said. "We've had many visitors since it all started and made new friends.  We're so happy that Edgar has relatives in town! I think the mayor looks quite a lot like Edgar! Next week we're going over to the Community College so the kids can see all the knife marks on Edgar's ribs. It all just goes to show how appealing a guy can be, whether he's alive or not."

 Art by Abril Andrade Griffith