This just in! Well, I told him to watch out for biker chicks...
Man Charged with Racketeering and
Insider Trading Captured by Bikers
March 19, 2013
Burt Nosewhistle, Reporter at Large
Roger Watchpocket wasn't prepared for what he got.
Sought by the Justice Department, FBI and the SEC, Mr.
Watchpocket was charged with racketeering and insider
trading last Friday, when he disappeared and his wife called
his office in a panic.
"Mrs. Watchpocket was very helpful in revealing the full ex-
tent of her husband's fiscal activities," said SEC spokesman
Edith Von Squirtsen. "She found paperwork in a lock box
which suggested her husband had kept a number of secret
bank accounts with deposits totaling more than 120 million
dollars. The money from the bank accounts was withdrawn
shortly before Mr. Watchpocket vanished," stated Ms. Von
Squirtsen. "There's no way an industrial analyst, especially
one with the SEC, could possibly amass that much money in
any lawful manner."
Here's where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. In a
twist that rivals a movie script, Mr. Watchpocket fell afoul
of the Bloody Fists biker club in Greenknuckle, Tennessee.
The story, as related by Mud Gitcha, president of the club,
goes like this: Mr. Watchpocket, who was at the Burntwood
Hotel with his lady companion known only as 'Spinner', was
a bit too forthcoming about his recent change from white collar
to black leather.
"The SOB was crowin' about skippin' out on his wife an' he
didn't leave her NO CASH! I hate that S*%&!" stated Ms.
'Spinner'. "I got my sisters an' we put a HURT on his dumb
F%@# A@#!" Indeed, the efforts of the lady Bloody Fists
resulted in hospitalization for Mr. Watchpocket. Also key to
apprehending Mr. Watchpocket were the men of Bloody Fists.
Speaking for the club, Mr. Gitcha remarked, "If we didn't get
in there, the chicks would'a snapped his dumb F*%&# neck!
We had to hold 'em back 'til the cops got there!"
While bikers are, at times, considered trouble makers by law
enforcers, the Bloody Fists Club members, pictured below, are
now being hailed as good citizens and will be officially honored
at the Dangroads County 4H Fair for community service, where
they will receive $10 gift cards to the Stop & Slop, a local cafe'.
Mr. Watchpocket, currently unable to speak due to his badly
fractured jaw, concussion, broken arms and broken ribs, will be
transferred to New York to answer to the charges against him,
and recover from his injuries, pending legal action.