Friday, April 25, 2014

Cliven Bundy and Nanabanana!

I'm baaaack! Bet you all thought I'd died and gone to heaven, or someplace. Well, I DID go someplace! Those smarty pants state social agency folks decided to do a pilot program. Me and a special selection of us nut bags were chosen to participate! I'm not sure why I got picked. Maybe because I haven't been sent to the mop closet for a long time. But we haven't had a regular shrink for a long time and the part time shrinks don't really watch what we're up to. Phyllis and Rita got picked and I think a few of the guys too, but since we didn't all go to the same place I don't know where they were sent. Hope it wasn't Afghanistan. 

So off we went to the pilot program. I was disappointed when they said we weren't going to be pilots. We went to a 'half way house'. They let us go all the way in though. What a relief! I was trying to figure out how to go half way in! There were two nice normal ladies to watch four of us crazies. There was Rita, Phyllis, me and another lady who was catatonic. Sometimes we'd poke her in the face, but she never complained. We were there all the long, cold winter and it got pretty boring. We had some TV and movies but no internet or even newspapers. The nice normal ladies had us painting pictures, working puzzles and knitting, stuff like that. I knitted a straight jacket. Rita and Phyllis loved it, but the nice normal ladies said it was inappropriate. Guess they really didn't know who they were dealing with!

The good things: We got to wear real clothes instead of PJs. We went on field trips to the grocery store, the library and the natural history museum! Nobody misbehaved because we had these bulky anklets on so we couldn't run too far. We did some supervised cooking. No knives, of course. And no food throwing allowed, darn it. We had a little fenced yard too. The nice normal ladies said we could have a garden in the spring. But the winter was soooooo long! You can only build so many snowmen before you start wondering how long it takes to die from hypothermia. Last week I finally felt so cooped up that I had to do something. So I hooked up a lamp cord to a door knob. All of a sudden the nice normal ladies got REAL CRANKY. Back I went to the maximum security psychiatric facility and I'm not sorry. I missed everybody and our fun times together.  We were so happy to see each other that we all twirled around and screamed! Then we celebrated at dinner time with a good old fashioned food fight. It was Crazy Chilli Thursday so all the beans and rice made for a real splatter fiesta!

I've been busy catching up with my Nanabanana mail and all the news I missed. And WOW! I missed a LOT! Nobody's talking about homeless people or wars right now because that's boring compared to that cowboy Cliven Bundy. Now there's a real man who wears a real hat! He's just like John Wayne, only he's not dead. The Republicans just love him and the Democrats hate him so he's got to be one tough hombre! Of course, once he gave his views about "the Negro" some of the Republicans started acting like Democrats. There's a go figure! But really, you gotta love a guy with a white hat who loves cows. Some guys even have cows for girlfriends, they're so friendly. 

Now, I'm not sure why people are so fussy about where those cows go. You can herd them here and you can drive them there, but sooner or later they'll go wherever they damn well please. And they outweigh people, so you're going to get really tired trying to push them around. So the Feds want the cows on one side of a line in the dirt and Bundy want's them on the other side. There's a lot of folks who showed up for Bundy's cow transfer rodeo, but they didn't seem to have much fun. I'm betting if this keeps up those cows are going to just sit right down in the dirt and say, "Fuck off you cow crazy assholes!" That's what I'd do if I was a cow! Matter of fact, I'll probably do it anyway!

Enough of that. Here's my latest selection for Dear Nanabanana!

Dayr Nanabanana,

I got me a ranch down South hare, but I'm not sayin' whar 'cuz ain't nobudy's biznus. Thar's a passul o' cow hatin' idjuts cum hare wut wanna tay'ul me wut ta do wid my caddul an' thay ain't even russlars! Thay'r sayin' thay'yall cum frum thu Fedrul Gubmant bud I no id's a big fay'at chicken she'yat LIE! No how I no? Thar AIN'T NOTHIN' CALLED FEDRUL GUBMANT! I hare thar's a bunch o' butt fokkers up squattin' on thu lay'nd o' Northren Aggresshun. Thay CALLS thay'r selfs Fedrul Gubmant, but I ain't by'an 'cuz I ain't nevar seen wun 'roun hare b'for. I stic ride down hare on my ranch e'n tha good ol' Cunfe'drat Terrytory ware folks ain't crazy. 

Now, thar's sum folks tol' me thar's cow hatin' idjuts sum plaze thay'r callin' DC. Whut e'n dang HAIL iz DC?! Folks sez thay'ats ware idjuts git big muny so thay'yall siddown an' shut tha hail UP. So y thu hail e'n Gods guud NAME shud I lissen ta thay'm idjuts? I no wun thang. I got me a Consteetooshun. It's MINE an' ain't no idjut gonna git it 'way frum me! It gibs me freedum ta do wad I wanna do! Me an' thu gang run'm off'en thu lay'nd wun'st awlreddy. Sho'd wut cums frum messin' wid a caddul man e'n Nev 'roun hare! I figger iffen I set tite an' my posse an' me kayps thu guns reddy we ken fill'em up wid LED iffn' thay shos thay'r butt fokken' haids roun' hare agin! Mebby I shud jus' say'nd my cows a'stampin all ova thay'r idjut haids! I bet my why'at hat thay'r a bunch o' Negros ennyhoo 'cuz ya no 'bout THAY'M.

Ya got sumpin' ta say 'bout thay'at?

Reel 'Mericayn Ranch'ayr.

Dear Reel,

I'm so sorry you're being pestered. It's a dirty shame when you can't even keep a few happy cows without somebody disturbing your peace and threatening your freedom. It's just plain RUDE! However, as much as you love your cows it seems to me that shooting those idiots isn't a good idea. It could get you in a bit of trouble. Shooting at idiots is frowned upon. I learned that the hard way! Getting your cows to stamp on them might get your cows in trouble too. You wouldn't want THAT! 
No, I think the best solution is to bite the bullet and head for Mexico. I know it's a big pain in the butt, BUT there's a few good things about that idea. First, you could sell some cows, IF you want to, at a big profit! There aren't any nice American cows in Mexico so I bet Mexicans would be thrilled to get some! AND, you don't have to worry about crossing the border. Nobody pays any attention to THAT little line in the dirt. Take your Consteetooshun with you, of course. Mexico doesn't have one and I'm sure they'd like to see yours.

Best wishes to you and your cows,