Thursday, January 9, 2014

The Cruz Effect PLUS Nanabanana!

  Well here I am! Finally. Things have been especially crazy around here. That's why I haven't been online for so long. You know that government shut down thingy? Well, we sure felt the effects of that here at the maximum security psychiatric facility! We got to see some of the Ted Cruz show. Isn't he a smarty though? He did a nice job reading Green Eggs and Ham. Everybody loved that! But then things went kinda kerflooey. Guess Governor Snyder decided the government shutdown that Ted Cruz got rolling was a good reason to shutdown things around here. Security was so loosey goosey that we had a GREAT Halloween, full of tricks, like slipping out on the lawn to yell "Trick or treat!" at the trees. A bunch of the guys found a mud hole to roll around in so they said they were Navy Seals Commandos in training. (Monty said he was Biggie Big's love child.) But Thanksgiving and Christmas kinda disappeared. It's hard to blame Ted though. He's just doing his part to keep America great. God bless him!

  First, the chef population thinned out. Then it thinned out some more. Then we started getting extra shut up pills because the left over chefs were all worn out. I heard one of them say he was going to get a border patrol job so he could shoot people. Dr. Goanz got worn out too. She started giggling and singing a lot, softly, usually the Barney theme song. You know, 'I love you, you love me...' That got pretty annoying and no matter how much we screamed she wouldn't stop. So now she's on the second floor taking a rest. That left just the 3 chefs on our floor, but they were gone a lot so I think they were working on another floor too. Or down at the loading dock, getting drunk. (Wouldn't blame them.) We all got sent to our rooms for a week or so because Duds started a rumor that it was the zombie apocalypse and showed everybody what a zombie is. But Phyllis thought he was being Klatoo from 'The Day the Earth Stood Still'. (The original, not that other one.) So she yelled "Klatoo! Baradda! Nicto!" Duds kinda liked that and decided being Klatoo was better than being a zombie, so he just kept being Klatoo. That started up the Brain Chips rumor again. *sigh*

  By and large, nobody really minded the lack of chefs or all the macaroni and cheese we were getting so often. It sticks to the walls real good! But it got kinda boring when the cable was cut off and all we could watch on TV was PBS and the Word channel. Not everybody is into religion, but the Peter Popoff show was pretty popular. Who can resist the suspense of waiting for the preaching to stop when the preacher's peter pops off? Everybody cheered whether it popped off or not. Of course, the internet was shut down. The last working nurse, who was pretty nervous since Dr. Goanz went all dippy, stayed locked in the nurses station. She cried a lot.

  After Senator Cruz let the government open up again, things started returning to normal craziness. Guess it'll still take a while to find a new psychiatrist. Somebody said they're all in Washington D.C. pushing antidepressants on the Democrats. Still took a few weeks to get online because that was the last thing we got back. I hurried to pick a new letter for my Nanabanana forum, and here it is!

Dear Nanabanana-

Sure hope you got a good idea for me! See, I got a 20 acre farm here in Essex County, New Jersey. I don't do much farming anymore. I just sell stuff from my Ebay store and work 32 hours a week down at the pesticide plant. 

Well, here's the problem. In the last few years there's been a lot of homeless animals showing up here. Not a lot, at first. So I found homes for some and just kept the rest fed. But the other day I took a head count. I've got 13 dogs, 34 cats (I think), 6 chickens, 2 goats and a donkey. The chickens, goats and donkey pretty much feed themselves, but I'm getting cash strapped and, well, there used to be a lot more chickens. 

I don't like to place blame on other folks for my problems, but there's a pretty big tent city near by and I have to wonder if all these animals wandered over from there. I mean, when you have to live in a tent it stands to reason that your pets aren't going to be a big priority. I can't just drop them back at the tent city and I've called animal shelters. They have too many animals to take mine. So now what do I do?

Critter Cluttered


Dear Critter,

Well heck! This is a job for your Governor! You know, Chris Christie? He makes good money and he's got that big old governor's mansion with lots of room for your critters! The place has a nice big fence too, so they won't be coming back to your place. Bet he'll just love looking out his window to see those dogs romping, cats climbing up trees and the goats and donkey trimming his lawn! You might want to keep the chickens though. They might look pretty tasty to him, and he looks like a guy with a big appetite! Just rent a big U-Haul truck, pack them all in there and make a delivery! 
OH! I just got an inspiration! Maybe all those folks at the tent city would like to live on the Governor's lawn too! Get them all on buses and call the news people so they can be there to catch the look on the Governor's face when he sees what you've brought him! He could use a nice, warmhearted story to distract people from that bridge blocking scandal he's been caught up in. This should just about do it!  I'll be watching the news with anticipation! 

Your friend,

Christie's Latest Problem?

Bert Bender, for The Star-Ledger

Word from an inside source reports that a group of nearly 150 homeless people accompanied by numerous animals made it through the gates of the New Jersey Governor's Mansion late last night. According to our source, Governor Chris Christie took fast action to have the ragged group of people dispersed. The animals, however, have apparently proven harder to remove. While the dogs were tame enough to capture, the cats were not, and remain in hiding on the mansion grounds. Also at large are two goats and an ill tempered donkey.