Thursday, March 28, 2013

Dear Nanabanana X 3!

Well...people just keep asking for my advice even though 2 out of 3 have wound up in jail. Puzzling, isn't it?  I can't just ignore them though. They NEED me!

Dear Nanabanana,

I'm 68 years old, but still young at heart. I fondly remember the '60s and how great those times were. Peace marches, 'make love not war', so many fantastic memories. Heck, I still have my tie dyed T-shirt from Woodstock. It's kind of thin now though. I was walking through the flea market a few months back and noticed how much '60s apparel was available for sale. Not old stuff, new bell bottoms, tie dyed shirts, dresses, peace sign jewelry and etc. It really made me long for the good old days! So, what the heck, I bought a few things. Couldn't resist the tie dyed shirts and low rider bell bottoms. 

It was about 2 weeks later that I found out there was going to be a 60s revival concert at the local community band shell. (I'm in southern California.) I decided to go, while my wife was attending some (snort) Republican political meeting. Man, I had a bitchin' time! There were 6 bands playing the old rock & roll, kids were dancing and smoking weed. It was fantastic! So I decided to attend every rock concert I could find around here. Pretty soon, the kids at the concerts started to recognize me and I got a reputation for being a sage from the old days. I have to admit it was an ego booster. At the last concert some kids invited me into their restored Volkswagen van to smoke weed. So I did it. It was great!

Here's where the problem comes in. I was hangin' naked in the back yard, (we've got a privacy fence) just playing my old Fender acoustic, when my wife came out and had herself a fit. She said she didn't know who I was anymore, the kids were embarrassed to bring their friends home, blah, blah, blah. I told her if she just came along with me to some concerts instead of supporting the military-industrial complex maybe she could stop taking Lithium. That didn't go over well at all. 

So here I am, a stranger in my own home, getting no respect and being vilified by my own family. Is it so wrong to be on the outside who I've always been on the inside? Is there something I could do to get back on my family's good side and still stay in the groove?

Thank you,
Not So Good Vibrations

Dear NSGV,

Can you say brownies?  I'm amazed you haven't thought of it yourself!  For heaven's sake!  You're in CALIFORNIA!  Keep your family stoned to the bone and life will smooth out for you.  (Well, might not work with the kids. Kids always hate their folks anyway.)  While I'm aware that some people would call what you're going through a 'midlife crises', I couldn't disagree more.  In your case, it's a reaffirmation that you're experiencing.  You've been subverting your true nature since you 'grew up'.  If you've been keeping up, you know that another guy, 'Uneasy Rider', went through something similar.  Well, maybe that's not such a good example, since he got in a lot of trouble, but what you're doing is much healthier.  Everybody needs to have fun and I can't imagine why your wife doesn't understand that. 

I'm betting that if you bug the old lady until she attends a few concerts she'll forget all about being a Republican, (especially if she's buzzed). So get some weed, burn some incense and let the good times roll!    

 Your friend,

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Not My Fault!

This just in! Well, I told him to watch out for biker chicks...

Man Charged with Racketeering and  
Insider Trading Captured by Bikers 

March 19, 2013
Burt Nosewhistle, Reporter at Large

   Roger Watchpocket wasn't prepared for what he got.
Sought by the Justice Department, FBI and the SEC, Mr.
Watchpocket was charged with racketeering and insider
trading last Friday, when he disappeared and his wife called 
his office in a panic. 

 "Mrs. Watchpocket was very helpful in revealing the full ex-
tent of her husband's fiscal activities," said SEC spokesman
Edith Von Squirtsen. "She found paperwork in a lock box
which suggested her husband had kept a number of secret 
bank accounts with deposits totaling more than 120 million 
dollars. The money from the bank accounts was withdrawn 
shortly before Mr. Watchpocket vanished," stated Ms. Von 
Squirtsen. "There's no way an industrial analyst, especially 
one with the SEC, could possibly amass that much money in 
any lawful manner."

  Here's where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. In a 
twist that rivals a movie script, Mr. Watchpocket fell afoul 
of the Bloody Fists biker club in Greenknuckle, Tennessee.
The story, as related by Mud Gitcha, president of the club, 
goes like this:  Mr. Watchpocket, who was at the Burntwood
Hotel with his lady companion known only as 'Spinner', was
a bit too forthcoming about his recent change from white collar
to black leather.

  "The SOB was crowin' about skippin' out on his wife an' he 
didn't leave her NO CASH!  I hate that S*%&!" stated Ms.
'Spinner'. "I got my sisters an' we put a HURT on his dumb
F%@# A@#!" Indeed, the efforts of the lady Bloody Fists
resulted in hospitalization for Mr. Watchpocket. Also key to 
apprehending Mr. Watchpocket were the men of Bloody Fists. 
Speaking for the club, Mr. Gitcha remarked, "If we didn't get
in there, the chicks would'a snapped his dumb F*%&# neck! 
We had to hold 'em back 'til the cops got there!"

  While bikers are, at times, considered trouble makers by law 
enforcers, the Bloody Fists Club members, pictured below, are 
now being hailed as good citizens and will be officially honored
at the Dangroads County 4H Fair for community service, where 
they will receive $10 gift cards to the Stop & Slop, a local cafe'. 

  Mr. Watchpocket, currently unable to speak due to his badly
fractured jaw, concussion, broken arms and broken ribs,  will be 
transferred to New York to answer to the charges against him, 
and recover from his injuries, pending legal action.

Monday, March 18, 2013


  Wow! It's been nuts around here! I get to say nuts because I am nuts. Kind of like people who are black get to say the 'N word because they own the 'N word. Nobody else gets to say it except bigots, and they're pushing the envelope. Actually, everybody gets to say words like nuts, crazy, delusional, psychotic, etc., even if all they're doing is teasing friends or insulting people. (Don't call the boss nuts. Not advisable except behind his/her back.) Comedians use psychiatric terms, or act nuts, which just shows how popular crazy is, as long as it isn't real.

  Last Monday I had a really cool delusional episode. I believed I was playing basket ball with Carles Buggs. Pretty strange, since he plays for Minnesota's Golden Gophers. That's just college ball and I've never even been to Minnesota! So Buggs and I were playing against Michele Bachmann and her weird husband, and they were losing. They got mouthy and I was laughing, so all the gigglers, twirlers and screamers ramped up and became fans in the bleachers, only without real bleachers. Everybody who wasn't delusional at the moment joined the game, since Buggs and I were winning. Even Monty's imaginary baboon joined in. He has a great jump shot. (Monty was in the bleachers.) We were in overtime and Michele's weird husband was crying when the alarm bells started ringing. Well! We all knew what that meant! Bennie had escaped again!

  So THAT'S why Dr. Idiot didn't catch us playing delusional basket ball! He was (no doubt) freaking out because he was looking for Bennie so we all got out of getting shut in our rooms. Remember I mentioned that Bennie thinks he's Houdini? He happens to be really good at being Houdini. He knows a bunch of tricks, but his best trick is disappearing. He's pulled his disappearing act about a dozen times so we knew what to do. We ran around looking for crayons and paper and started a pool. The categories go like this: 1# Bennie gets caught. #2 He comes back voluntarily. #3 Where he's found. #4 How long he's gone. #5 He makes it outside. #6 He makes it off the grounds.

  Now, interference is always allowed, since it's a lot of fun. So when the chefs or Dr. Idiot came into the dining hall, we'd misdirect them. He took the elevator! He's in the bathroom! He's in Dr. Idiot's office! He's turned into a dust bunny! That last one doesn't work, but it's amusing. You'd think, after all these years they'd figure out we're just messing with them, but they always fall for it and go running off to find Bennie. Sometimes, we get Duds to imitate approaching cop sirens. He's so good at it that we all run to the windows, and sure enough, we see Dr. Idiot and the chefs tear out of the building. The last thing they want is for Bennie to get through the gates and be 'at large'. He's not very big, so 'at large' doesn't make much sense. Another funny thing: Bennie knows exactly how to be 'at large'. He just doesn't always feel like it. He has left the grounds a couple of times. Once, he got all the way to the land fill and was found passed out with a trash bag over his head. He never did that again!

  This time Bennie was 'at large' two whole nights! That was a first! He strolled back in about noon on Wednesday, bowed and gave us a big grin. We gave him a standing ovation. Then the chefs snatched him up and tossed him in a mop closet. We checked the pool. A couple of my fellow loonies guessed one or two categories. Guess who got three. ME! I picked two nights for the return time and that cinched it. I really wasn't trying to win. I like to see the other wackos have fun. The winner gets to pick a prize. Most people pick a bag of little fish crackers from each participant. Some of us like to get a bit creative. Freaking out our keepers is a favorite. I decided to do something different. I spread peanut butter all over my naked, wrinkled rump and made butt prints on the wall. Everybody howled with delight and many imitated me. It's nice to be appreciated. Dr. Idiot made me go to my room and take a 'shut up' pill. Guess I can't blame him. He had a rough couple of days.

  All of this should tell you something. Even though somebody is delusional, they still might be smarter than you, and sneakier. It's a point most people miss. That doesn't mean psychotics should be allowed to run 'at large' being Houdini. It should tell you this: lots of crazy people are smart enough to hide their mental state. Being crazy is something anybody would try to hide. It just isn't socially acceptable. So when psychos hide until they go volcanic, folks really shouldn't be surprised. Small wonder Hitchcock named a move 'Psycho'. Wasn't Norman Bates a psychotic smarty pants? Moreover, folks shouldn't pick on the family that doesn't see how nuts their loved one is. (Or can't corral an adult family nut case. So many legal barriers.) This even applies to the families of a loved one who goes out and kills people. It can be really hard to catch people being psychotic if they're clever enough to hide it. To condemn the family, in my opinion, is worse than stigmatizing the psychotic. After all, a psychotic gets to go somewhere reasonably safe and removed from the trouble they caused. Their family is left to suffer the stares and condemnation of society.

  Oh! One more thing: everybody should try the peanut butter butt prints. That's not psychotic, just a tad twisted, and a lot of fun.!

This is the REAL Houdini, Bennie's still in the mop closet.


Monday, March 4, 2013

Did I Do That?

Oops! Looks like I might be getting a new ward buddy!

Woman Arrested as Public Threat

D. Drake Gosling, lead reporter

Today at the Three Corners Kroger store an elderly lady was 
apprehended while attempting to feed mice to unsuspecting 
patrons. The mice, covered in chocolate and crushed nuts,
were presented to shoppers who, unfortunately, were not
aware of their content. When shopper George Cooter took a
bite of his chocolate covered mouse,  havoc ensued and the 
police were summoned. 
"I was seriously grossed out, but I have to admit, that mouse
was pretty tasty!" Mr. Cooter remarked, adding, "She's a sweet
 little old lady. Hope she gets a nice jail cell.

Mrs. Eleanor Puce, pictured below, was apprehended and de-
livered to Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow Catholic Hospital to 
undergo psychiatric evaluation. Criminal charges are pending 
review. Anyone who has one of the chocolate covered mice,
has eaten a chocolate covered mouse,  or suspects they may 
have, is advised to contact the county health department to 
be evaluated for rabies.