Saturday, May 18, 2013

Dear Nanabanana X4!

Well! I never thought any of my buddies here at the maximum security psychiatric facility could be so CRUEL! Yesterday Duds and I walked into the craft room and a few of the guys (who I'll leave nameless) were harassing Phyllis! They were telling her the North Koreans were coming for her! So, of course, she was hiding behind an easel, crying and trying to shoot at North Koreans with a tube of acrylic paint. (The craft room needed more color anyway.) Where are the chefs when you need them!

So Duds and I went into action. We quickly wadded up some balls of clay and let 'em fly! Ever get hit in the head with a wad of clay? You wouldn't like it. Neither did the bullies. There was some hollering and then they ran from the room. The noise attracted people from the dining hall, so we got a good round of applause. Then Duds and I helped Phyllis come back to reality, which was a trick for her. She's only been on meds for a few weeks. The last thing her nerves needed was a dose of stress.

Everybody that wasn't a bully gathered around Phyllis in support and the bullies found themselves the objects of social rejection. That's likely to last awhile. There's a few rules here and they broke one BIG time. It's fine to join in on a delusion if the person who's delusional enjoys it. If you're contributing to somebody's pain it's entirely unacceptable. The whole episode put my brain into a high geared spin. I thought of all the attention bullying is getting in the press and how bullying plays into other social issues. Then, I remembered this letter I got last week. The backlash was almost immediate, so I've included that here too.


Dear Nanabanana,

I've always been a quiet, unassuming person. I'm a middle aged, single woman with no family and I'm very shy. Even at my job in the cardboard box factory I hardly ever talk to anybody. A few years ago I bought an old farmhouse in a small town in Massachusetts. Last year I decided to add some insulation in the attic. I pulled up the floor boards and discovered that a skeleton was packed beneath them! I pulled him out, wired up his loose parts and set him on the sofa in the parlor. In almost no time I was talking to him. Since he's even quieter than I am, he makes good company. I decided to name him Edgar and he sits with me at supper, watches TV with me and rests with me on my glider in the screened porch out back.

While I realize this is an odd relationship I can't imagine why anyone would object. Then there's our human rights to consider. Don't we have a right to be friends even if people don't agree? Still, I'm wary of taking him out in public. It would be great to take him to the movies or a nice cafe' but I fear the attention it might bring us. He doesn't complain but it seems cruel to keep him in the house all the time. Edgar and I would appreciate any thoughts or ideas you might have regarding live/dead relationships.

Thank you,
Friendly Bones


Dear Friendly,

I assume you and Edgar aren't having sex, since he's missing a few important parts. As far as I know the only laws against your relationship pertain to sex between live and dead people (necrophilia). Other objections are just artificial social conventions and hardly worth mentioning. It does remind me of the struggle gay people face when they want to get married. I've never understood why straight people are so cruel to gay people. If you're feeling brave enough to take Edgar out, why not? The worst that can happen is a tangle with the authorities. If you have the courage, you could strike a blow for live/dead relations!

My only word of caution is; get a lawyer. Sorry to say, my advice tends to result in people being jailed or declared insane, so think hard before you act. Also, keep in mind that the rest of society is going to be against you. It takes a lot of backbone to stand up against that. (No joke intended.) So make the decision that's best for you two, and enjoy your friendship. It's hard to find true friends, and Edgar sounds like a great guy! He can't walk out on you or drink up your beer! Say Hi for me!

Your friend,


So, wouldn't you know, here's the results;

Bony Buddy Gets Attention

May 17, 2013
Fredrick Bimmel for the Kinnybunkton Patriot

Patrons got a shock when Kinnybunkton resident Dina Grimdust took a seat at a sidewalk table of the Yummy Yum Cafe'. Ms. Grimdust wasn't the problem, but her partner was. Ms. Grimdust was accompanied by a skeleton. Owner Bob Button summoned police when Ms. Grimdust refused to remove the skeleton and leave. As police arrived, Kinnybunkton Community College students, who were marching for gay marriage rights at General Skeezer Park across the street, dropped their signs to join Ms. Grimdust in solidarity.

This reporter was down the street and joined the growing crowd while police attempted to detain Ms. Grimdust and take possession of the skeleton. Three lawyers, Attorneys Ruddy Weiner, and Coxe, also patrons of the cafe', confronted the bemused police officers on behalf of Ms. Grimdust and her skeleton. As it became known that the skeleton was on her property when Ms. Grimdust purchased it, the three attorneys pointed out that she had every right to claim ownership. When Ms. Grimdust stated that she found the skeleton in her attic, the lawyers agreed that its removal did not constitute grave robbing and it's probable that Ms. Grimdust will only need a permit to keep it. 

Students chanted "Freedom for Skeletons!" as cafe' owner Mr. Button and our local police officers wiped tears of laughter from their eyes. "I can't wait to tell the Chief about this!" declared Officer Walt Teasdale. "I can't wait to tell my wife!" said Officer Dale Featherbalm. Under the circumstances, police decided not to detain Ms. Grimdust, but wrote her a ticket for disturbing the peace. It's expected there will be an investigation into the skeleton's identity and how it got in her attic. Given the aged, yellow coloring of the skeleton and the few years that Ms. Grimdust has owned her property, it seems unlikely that she put it there herself.

With three attorneys proffering their cards, Ms. Grimdust won't lack representation should that prove necessary. As she prepared to leave Ms. Grimdust lifted her skeleton, turned to the crowd and called out, "Edgar is my best friend and nobody is going to separate us!"

The crowd went wild


See this here? Living people and skeletons have been friends for a long time! Not sure how the Saki sucking monkey fits in...