Friday, April 25, 2014

Cliven Bundy and Nanabanana!

I'm baaaack! Bet you all thought I'd died and gone to heaven, or someplace. Well, I DID go someplace! Those smarty pants state social agency folks decided to do a pilot program. Me and a special selection of us nut bags were chosen to participate! I'm not sure why I got picked. Maybe because I haven't been sent to the mop closet for a long time. But we haven't had a regular shrink for a long time and the part time shrinks don't really watch what we're up to. Phyllis and Rita got picked and I think a few of the guys too, but since we didn't all go to the same place I don't know where they were sent. Hope it wasn't Afghanistan. 

So off we went to the pilot program. I was disappointed when they said we weren't going to be pilots. We went to a 'half way house'. They let us go all the way in though. What a relief! I was trying to figure out how to go half way in! There were two nice normal ladies to watch four of us crazies. There was Rita, Phyllis, me and another lady who was catatonic. Sometimes we'd poke her in the face, but she never complained. We were there all the long, cold winter and it got pretty boring. We had some TV and movies but no internet or even newspapers. The nice normal ladies had us painting pictures, working puzzles and knitting, stuff like that. I knitted a straight jacket. Rita and Phyllis loved it, but the nice normal ladies said it was inappropriate. Guess they really didn't know who they were dealing with!

The good things: We got to wear real clothes instead of PJs. We went on field trips to the grocery store, the library and the natural history museum! Nobody misbehaved because we had these bulky anklets on so we couldn't run too far. We did some supervised cooking. No knives, of course. And no food throwing allowed, darn it. We had a little fenced yard too. The nice normal ladies said we could have a garden in the spring. But the winter was soooooo long! You can only build so many snowmen before you start wondering how long it takes to die from hypothermia. Last week I finally felt so cooped up that I had to do something. So I hooked up a lamp cord to a door knob. All of a sudden the nice normal ladies got REAL CRANKY. Back I went to the maximum security psychiatric facility and I'm not sorry. I missed everybody and our fun times together.  We were so happy to see each other that we all twirled around and screamed! Then we celebrated at dinner time with a good old fashioned food fight. It was Crazy Chilli Thursday so all the beans and rice made for a real splatter fiesta!

I've been busy catching up with my Nanabanana mail and all the news I missed. And WOW! I missed a LOT! Nobody's talking about homeless people or wars right now because that's boring compared to that cowboy Cliven Bundy. Now there's a real man who wears a real hat! He's just like John Wayne, only he's not dead. The Republicans just love him and the Democrats hate him so he's got to be one tough hombre! Of course, once he gave his views about "the Negro" some of the Republicans started acting like Democrats. There's a go figure! But really, you gotta love a guy with a white hat who loves cows. Some guys even have cows for girlfriends, they're so friendly. 

Now, I'm not sure why people are so fussy about where those cows go. You can herd them here and you can drive them there, but sooner or later they'll go wherever they damn well please. And they outweigh people, so you're going to get really tired trying to push them around. So the Feds want the cows on one side of a line in the dirt and Bundy want's them on the other side. There's a lot of folks who showed up for Bundy's cow transfer rodeo, but they didn't seem to have much fun. I'm betting if this keeps up those cows are going to just sit right down in the dirt and say, "Fuck off you cow crazy assholes!" That's what I'd do if I was a cow! Matter of fact, I'll probably do it anyway!

Enough of that. Here's my latest selection for Dear Nanabanana!

Dayr Nanabanana,

I got me a ranch down South hare, but I'm not sayin' whar 'cuz ain't nobudy's biznus. Thar's a passul o' cow hatin' idjuts cum hare wut wanna tay'ul me wut ta do wid my caddul an' thay ain't even russlars! Thay'r sayin' thay'yall cum frum thu Fedrul Gubmant bud I no id's a big fay'at chicken she'yat LIE! No how I no? Thar AIN'T NOTHIN' CALLED FEDRUL GUBMANT! I hare thar's a bunch o' butt fokkers up squattin' on thu lay'nd o' Northren Aggresshun. Thay CALLS thay'r selfs Fedrul Gubmant, but I ain't by'an 'cuz I ain't nevar seen wun 'roun hare b'for. I stic ride down hare on my ranch e'n tha good ol' Cunfe'drat Terrytory ware folks ain't crazy. 

Now, thar's sum folks tol' me thar's cow hatin' idjuts sum plaze thay'r callin' DC. Whut e'n dang HAIL iz DC?! Folks sez thay'ats ware idjuts git big muny so thay'yall siddown an' shut tha hail UP. So y thu hail e'n Gods guud NAME shud I lissen ta thay'm idjuts? I no wun thang. I got me a Consteetooshun. It's MINE an' ain't no idjut gonna git it 'way frum me! It gibs me freedum ta do wad I wanna do! Me an' thu gang run'm off'en thu lay'nd wun'st awlreddy. Sho'd wut cums frum messin' wid a caddul man e'n Nev 'roun hare! I figger iffen I set tite an' my posse an' me kayps thu guns reddy we ken fill'em up wid LED iffn' thay shos thay'r butt fokken' haids roun' hare agin! Mebby I shud jus' say'nd my cows a'stampin all ova thay'r idjut haids! I bet my why'at hat thay'r a bunch o' Negros ennyhoo 'cuz ya no 'bout THAY'M.

Ya got sumpin' ta say 'bout thay'at?

Reel 'Mericayn Ranch'ayr.

Dear Reel,

I'm so sorry you're being pestered. It's a dirty shame when you can't even keep a few happy cows without somebody disturbing your peace and threatening your freedom. It's just plain RUDE! However, as much as you love your cows it seems to me that shooting those idiots isn't a good idea. It could get you in a bit of trouble. Shooting at idiots is frowned upon. I learned that the hard way! Getting your cows to stamp on them might get your cows in trouble too. You wouldn't want THAT! 
No, I think the best solution is to bite the bullet and head for Mexico. I know it's a big pain in the butt, BUT there's a few good things about that idea. First, you could sell some cows, IF you want to, at a big profit! There aren't any nice American cows in Mexico so I bet Mexicans would be thrilled to get some! AND, you don't have to worry about crossing the border. Nobody pays any attention to THAT little line in the dirt. Take your Consteetooshun with you, of course. Mexico doesn't have one and I'm sure they'd like to see yours.

Best wishes to you and your cows,



Thursday, January 9, 2014

The Cruz Effect PLUS Nanabanana!

  Well here I am! Finally. Things have been especially crazy around here. That's why I haven't been online for so long. You know that government shut down thingy? Well, we sure felt the effects of that here at the maximum security psychiatric facility! We got to see some of the Ted Cruz show. Isn't he a smarty though? He did a nice job reading Green Eggs and Ham. Everybody loved that! But then things went kinda kerflooey. Guess Governor Snyder decided the government shutdown that Ted Cruz got rolling was a good reason to shutdown things around here. Security was so loosey goosey that we had a GREAT Halloween, full of tricks, like slipping out on the lawn to yell "Trick or treat!" at the trees. A bunch of the guys found a mud hole to roll around in so they said they were Navy Seals Commandos in training. (Monty said he was Biggie Big's love child.) But Thanksgiving and Christmas kinda disappeared. It's hard to blame Ted though. He's just doing his part to keep America great. God bless him!

  First, the chef population thinned out. Then it thinned out some more. Then we started getting extra shut up pills because the left over chefs were all worn out. I heard one of them say he was going to get a border patrol job so he could shoot people. Dr. Goanz got worn out too. She started giggling and singing a lot, softly, usually the Barney theme song. You know, 'I love you, you love me...' That got pretty annoying and no matter how much we screamed she wouldn't stop. So now she's on the second floor taking a rest. That left just the 3 chefs on our floor, but they were gone a lot so I think they were working on another floor too. Or down at the loading dock, getting drunk. (Wouldn't blame them.) We all got sent to our rooms for a week or so because Duds started a rumor that it was the zombie apocalypse and showed everybody what a zombie is. But Phyllis thought he was being Klatoo from 'The Day the Earth Stood Still'. (The original, not that other one.) So she yelled "Klatoo! Baradda! Nicto!" Duds kinda liked that and decided being Klatoo was better than being a zombie, so he just kept being Klatoo. That started up the Brain Chips rumor again. *sigh*

  By and large, nobody really minded the lack of chefs or all the macaroni and cheese we were getting so often. It sticks to the walls real good! But it got kinda boring when the cable was cut off and all we could watch on TV was PBS and the Word channel. Not everybody is into religion, but the Peter Popoff show was pretty popular. Who can resist the suspense of waiting for the preaching to stop when the preacher's peter pops off? Everybody cheered whether it popped off or not. Of course, the internet was shut down. The last working nurse, who was pretty nervous since Dr. Goanz went all dippy, stayed locked in the nurses station. She cried a lot.

  After Senator Cruz let the government open up again, things started returning to normal craziness. Guess it'll still take a while to find a new psychiatrist. Somebody said they're all in Washington D.C. pushing antidepressants on the Democrats. Still took a few weeks to get online because that was the last thing we got back. I hurried to pick a new letter for my Nanabanana forum, and here it is!

Dear Nanabanana-

Sure hope you got a good idea for me! See, I got a 20 acre farm here in Essex County, New Jersey. I don't do much farming anymore. I just sell stuff from my Ebay store and work 32 hours a week down at the pesticide plant. 

Well, here's the problem. In the last few years there's been a lot of homeless animals showing up here. Not a lot, at first. So I found homes for some and just kept the rest fed. But the other day I took a head count. I've got 13 dogs, 34 cats (I think), 6 chickens, 2 goats and a donkey. The chickens, goats and donkey pretty much feed themselves, but I'm getting cash strapped and, well, there used to be a lot more chickens. 

I don't like to place blame on other folks for my problems, but there's a pretty big tent city near by and I have to wonder if all these animals wandered over from there. I mean, when you have to live in a tent it stands to reason that your pets aren't going to be a big priority. I can't just drop them back at the tent city and I've called animal shelters. They have too many animals to take mine. So now what do I do?

Critter Cluttered


Dear Critter,

Well heck! This is a job for your Governor! You know, Chris Christie? He makes good money and he's got that big old governor's mansion with lots of room for your critters! The place has a nice big fence too, so they won't be coming back to your place. Bet he'll just love looking out his window to see those dogs romping, cats climbing up trees and the goats and donkey trimming his lawn! You might want to keep the chickens though. They might look pretty tasty to him, and he looks like a guy with a big appetite! Just rent a big U-Haul truck, pack them all in there and make a delivery! 
OH! I just got an inspiration! Maybe all those folks at the tent city would like to live on the Governor's lawn too! Get them all on buses and call the news people so they can be there to catch the look on the Governor's face when he sees what you've brought him! He could use a nice, warmhearted story to distract people from that bridge blocking scandal he's been caught up in. This should just about do it!  I'll be watching the news with anticipation! 

Your friend,

Christie's Latest Problem?

Bert Bender, for The Star-Ledger

Word from an inside source reports that a group of nearly 150 homeless people accompanied by numerous animals made it through the gates of the New Jersey Governor's Mansion late last night. According to our source, Governor Chris Christie took fast action to have the ragged group of people dispersed. The animals, however, have apparently proven harder to remove. While the dogs were tame enough to capture, the cats were not, and remain in hiding on the mansion grounds. Also at large are two goats and an ill tempered donkey.