Saturday, April 27, 2013

Texas Toast

Well don't I feel stupid.  While I've been ranting about the terrorism at the Boston Marathon I overlooked a little issue in Texas.  I only started paying attention because of my nutty buddies.  At dinner of the 26th I was happily brooding about the remaining little twit who bombed Boston when I realized there was a hum of whispers underlying the usual dinner chaos.  I kept hearing low pitched mutters of "Texas Toast" but just thought it was some paranoid observation because we had, in fact, been served Texas Toast with our barbequed chicken strips.  Well, it was a group paranoia event triggered by 'suspicious' Texas Toast.  Fairly understandable since it was founded on a real situation.  I didn't get it until I asked Roy what the heck was going on.  He pointed at his toast and explained, disdainfully, that the toast might blow up because it came from Texas and nobody was going to eat it.  HUH?  We all love our Texas Toast!  So I tried to trace the cause of that remark on TV.  The news was still focused on Boston but there was 60 seconds of coverage on the Texas story that  gave me a point of reference.  

The internet was more obliging and I got a nasty shock when I read about the fertilizer plant explosion.  I was puzzled by my own ignorance until I recognized that the West Texas incident was rather mundane compared to the sensational nature of the bombings in Boston.  Terrorism is much sexier than a little old explosion of known origin.

I'd be a lot less shocked if there wasn't such an obvious failure of corporate responsibility and evidence of appalling regulatory incompetence.
"It seems this manufacturer was willfully off the grid," Rep. Bennie Thompson, (D-MS), ranking member of the House Committee on Homeland Security, said in a statement. "This facility was known to have chemicals well above the threshold amount to be regulated under the Chemical Facility Anti-Terrorism Standards Act (CFATS), yet we understand that DHS did not even know the plant existed until it blew up."

"Fertilizer plants and depots must report to the DHS when they hold 400 lb (180 kg) or more of the substance. Filings this year with the Texas Department of State Health Services, which weren't shared with DHS, show the plant had 270 tons of it on hand last year." 

WHAT?  Seriously?!  The article goes on to say that 270 tons is 1,350 times the amount that should have triggered an inspection! 

Well isn't that just DANDY.  In what I'd consider a mass shock reaction, the nice folks of West Texas are united in the support of the West Fertilizer Co.  Since the company supplies a lot of jobs for the area it's understandable that there's a well established community loyalty.  This, in spite of the fact that the explosion is the second worst in our country's history.  It's likely that their attitude will change when FEMA steps in and funding is delayed.

Remember Hurricane Sandy?  Remember how Rick Perry remarked that FEMA funds shouldn't be used for the victims?  Remember how pleased he was to have Texas named a target by Kim Jong un?  I'd love to know what's cascading through his shrunken little brain right now.  He wants lots of FEMA money for this disaster, apparently oblivious of the irony.  The conspiracy theories are already in play; Kim Jong un and the feds taking turns being the culprit.  The first lawsuits are rolling in.  Some legal warriors will assign a value on the lives of the 17 dead and numerous victims.  Next we can expect a general collapse of community loyalty as it becomes obvious that the massive loss of property won't be promptly addressed and the jobs are gone.

How will this impact the rest of the country?  Probably very little.  We all like to put such things behind us.  Memories of  the record breaking tornadoes of 2012 and Hurricane Sandy are already fading as new opportunities for morbid fascination crop up.  I'm left to wonder if any 'normal' folks will experience residual unease from the West Texas explosion.  There are lots of fertilizer plants in the USA.  As for me, I'll never feel quite the same about Texas Toast.     

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Boston Lockdown!

Darn it!  That little 'brain chips' freakout last week put the whole floor in lock down.  We all had to stay in our rooms until Dr. Idiot decided which of us were behaving well enough to get out.  I was sprung the next day because I wasn't freaked out to start with, but I was alone most of the day, which is almost enough to freak me out.  Isn't it weird how footsteps on terrazzo sound when there aren't any other noises?  The TV and computer were still blacked out, so I was pretty itchy for some kind of contact.  I indulged myself by sneaking up on the chefs and screaming, but that's an old trick that doesn't impress them much anymore. When Duds and Rita got out the next day I felt a little better but they were so loopy with head meds that they weren't much company.

The days dragged by while my nutty buddies trickled back into the common rooms a few at a time.  Still, the TV was off and I couldn't get permission to use the computer.  I've already read all the books in the library and crafts leave me cold, since I'm not allowed to melt crayons, so I was getting desperately bored.  Yesterday they finally turned the TV on and opened the computer for use.  Duds and I did rock, paper, scissors and I convinced Duds that I won so I got first crack at getting online.  That's how I found out that there was more than insanity to blame for the media black out, there was horrible news too.  Just as well I didn't hear sooner, because I went from bored to completely FURIOUS.  Jumping up and down, beating on the wall, screaming obscenities, PISSED OFF TO THE EXTREME!  The chefs called Dr. Idiot, but he decided I was behaving normally.  In fact, Dr. Idiot said he was pissed off and all the normal people he knew were pissed off too.  SMALL WONDER!

Bombing in Boston.  At the Marathon.  All kinds of people parts flying everywhere and 4 people DEAD.  Here, once again, is a prime example of amateurs playing with explosives and killing people!  For pity's sake!  They couldn't have just blown off their bombs from the roof of a building?  A nice display of pyrotechnics instead of murder?  Then what happens.  The WHOLE CITY is put in lock down, the older homicidal sociopath gets shot and the younger one hides in a boat like a raccoon.  Oooo!  We're SO impressed!  

Message to Monkey Brains: Having fun now Mr. Islamic Jihadist Wannabe?  Enjoying your bullet wounds?  Your misanthrope of a brother is DEAD and you're left to tell everybody how smart you are!  Can't wait to hear all about that!  Did you make Allah happy?  Are you SURE?  Well, I'm betting Allah would say you're a deluded little pimple on the ass of the universe.  Keeping in mind that Allah is a lot smarter than YOU. 

So now we get another noxious dose of ethnic and religious condemnation.  Every Muslim will be getting the stink eye even if they don't come from Chechnya.  Everybody who has a vaguely Russian accent will be under suspicion.  Yeah, that's just GREAT.  Thank goodness the people of Boston all pulled together to help the wounded and chase down these twisted little poster boys for poorly interpreted religious doctrine. I wish the conspiracy theories that prompted this paranoid psychosis could be permanently put on black out.  Yeah, yeah, 1st amendment, blah, blah, blah.  The internet spreads conspiracy theories like whores spread syphilis.  If these guys believed the conspiracy crap that turned them against the USA then what the HELL were they doing here?  Oh, that's right, they wanted to play with explosives and become martyrs to a phantom cause.  Chechnya must be really proud!


Postscript:  Oh wow!  The Junior Jihadist woke up!  Now he's telling the world how he and his dead brother were "self radicalized", which means they spent lots of time on the internet getting misinformed.  

ANOTHER message for Monkey Brains: Now that you'll have plenty of time to play on the internet, you might want to study the actual history of events in Afghanistan and Iraq.  For instance, the US and other countries, such as Israel and China, kicked in billions of dollars to get the Soviets out of Afghanistan in the '80s.  Ever hear of that?  Ever hear that money is STILL flowing into Iraq and Afghanistan to help rebuild?    But don't worry, you'll have lots of time in prison to upgrade your woefully truncated education.  While you're at it, think about those people you've killed or crippled.  Did that even the score?  Do you feel vindicated?  If you wanted to blame somebody, why didn't you blame the guys who made billions of dollars off those wars?  Why didn't you go after them?  Of course, that would have required a lot more courage than you'll ever possess. If there's any justice you'll have a ghost child taunting you every night for the rest of your life.  By the time you're facing your own death you might even figure out what a tool you've been.  I have my doubts, but it could happen.          

Saturday, April 13, 2013


Judas Priest!  This weekend is shaping up to be a real circus!  I woke up to the sound of a fracas in the dining hall and got there just in time to see the chefs chasing people around trying to medicate them.  Roy was about the only one I could see who wasn't running around so I asked him what was happening.  He just genuflected and covered his mouth, which told me he was being a nun who took a vow of silence.  Roy never breaks his vows, so I crawled under the table where Monty was to ask what was going on.  He took his thumb out of his mouth long enough to yell, "Brain Chips!"  Then he stuck it up his nose as a visual aide.  Monty's imaginary baboon, who's never delusional, told me what started the fuss.     

Remember those squirrely looking guys who stuck swabs up our noses?  Turns out they weren't looking for jeans, they were looking for genes.  Crazy genes, to be exact.  Like some little gene is going to go psychotic so they'll know which one it is.  Honestly!  Sometimes normal people can be such twits!  Anyway, word came down the grape vine that the nose swabbing gene freaks were coming back to swab noses again.  This news was not greeted with cheers.  It was greeted with screams, the gnashing of teeth and the yanking of hair.  All my psycho buddies, once again, reached the conclusion that they were about to be implanted with brain chips.  Every time things started to calm down somebody would yell, "Brain chips!" and everybody would go nuts again.  The chefs kept trying to tell them it was just a rumor, but you know how that goes.  Rumors are always more believable than the truth.  Just look at Congress.  Any day now C-SPAN is going to air live feed coverage of the entire House full of Congress people running around screaming, "Brain chips! Brain chips!"

Why is it people don't listen when you're only trying to help?  You can see this phenomenon in action all the time.  For instance, the folks who want new gun regulations are NOT trying to take everybody's cap pistols.  They're trying to keep people from getting shot!  HELLO!!  The folks who want gay marriage aren't trying to threaten the fabric of civilization, they're just trying to be nice!  What's wrong with that?  I keep running into this problem too.  I give people advice through my Dear Nanabanana forum and NOBODY LISTENS!  Darn it all!  Why do they ask if they aren't going to listen?  Case in point, see the following:

Pot Party Bust Results In
Felony Charges

by Carl Lingerlong, for Police Beat

In response to a noise abatement call, police arrived at 1298 Tweezer St., to discover a party in progress, with an estimated 60 people on the property, dancing to loud rock music under a heavy haze of pot smoke.  Police called for back up while the party goers scattered, many of whom climbed the 6 foot privacy fence to escape.  Only 6 of the revelers were detained, all of whom were minors too heavily drugged to run.  Cursory examination of the open garage revealed 16 pounds of marijuana, 200 "hits" of LSD and several platters of marijuana laced brownies.

One of the detained minors informed police that the home owner, Mr. Donald Burnbottom, was last seen entering the crawl space beneath his house the previous day.  Police used a remote bomb detonation robot to inspect the crawl space where they discovered a naked Mr. Burnbottom crouching, giggling and singing while coating a Rottweiler in cobwebs.  

A group of neighbors stated that Mrs. Burnbottom and the two Burnbottom children had left town several weeks earlier.  "It's been crazy around here ever since the wife split," remarked Ms. Angel Knitski.  "Don's been such a good neighbor.  It's sad to see him fall apart like this."  Ms. Knitski described the recent activities at the Burnbottom household as "perpetual partying with people running naked all over the place".  Mrs. Burnbottom could not be reached for comment.  The Rottweiler was returned to it's owner who is considering animal abuse charges after discovering that the dog was "very stoned".

The curious lack of any earlier complaints was explained when it became known that nearly all of the subdivision residents were in India, celebrating the Hindu holiday of Holi.  "Nobody likes to see somebody get busted", remarked neighbor Brent Vigorelli.  "We all love to party, but it got way too silly.  I mean, there's limits, even in California."  It took several hours of coaxing before Mr. Burnbottom emerged from beneath his house to be taken into custody. Probable felony charges include distributing drugs to minors, possession with intent to distribute or sell marijuana and LSD, plus lesser charges of burning bonfires and use of fireworks in a residential neighborhood.

Mr. Burnbottom, a mortgage loan officer for Bank of America, will remain in the Hoarfrost County jail under observation until he is able to respond to questioning.

A Polaroid instant photo found on the scene shows  
Mr. Burnbottom, center, with unknown guests.


Sunday, April 7, 2013

Naughty Kim Jong-un!

  Free at last!  Got myself in trouble~again.  This time I wasn't delusional, I was just rooting for Feeney's delusion.  So was everybody else who wasn't catatonic.  Who could resist it?  Fenney was having delusional sex with Nancy Pelosi and she was apparently having a wonderful time, if you can trust Fenney's powers of deduction.  He kept shouting things like, "Ride my Cruise Missile, you wrinkled little elitist liberal!" and, "Bang that gavel you hot Speaker Momma!"  Feeney's attracted to powerful women, so we didn't tell him she lost her job.       

  I really should try harder to behave myself.  I'm always blamed for the floor show and tossed in the mop closet.  What with the 'shut up' meds Dr. Idiot pumped into me and the lack of a clock or a window, it took me awhile to get oriented when they let me out.  So I went to check the date on the computer but Rita had it already.  She was playing a video game where the Dalai Lahma mows down zombies with a Breacher.  Stupid game.  Everybody knows you don't need a Breacher to kill zombies.    

  Anyway, I had to threaten to pee on her pillow to get Rita off the keyboard.  She couldn't  decide if she wouldn't like that so she left to get Fenney's opinion.  I hopped on the internet, went straight to the news, and the first thing I saw was THIS: 

N.Korea Threatens to Nuke Texas,
Rick Perry's Massive Ego Takes Credit
By T. Steelman for Addicting Info   
Perry smash puny North Korea! (OK, he didn't really say that.)
There comes a point when it is clear that a person has just lost it. In Rick Perry's case, I think his ego is 
reaching critical mass, which could lead to God knows what kind of explosion. Yes, he has lost it. I know...
did he ever have it? Well, that is a debate for another day. Today we are getting a view of Perry's ego that is
truly astounding.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

  I saw this and thought it was an April Fool's joke!  I checked the date and the source and had Angus check too, just in case I was delusional.  I didn't know just how offended I should be!  That naughty Kim Jong-un!  The sweet little boy who was schooled in Switzerland and loved basket ball has rejected all the western virtues, like Democracy, that he was so liberally exposed to?  How can this be?  How could he have become so intoxicated by his recent aquisition of power that he would threaten the US?  He's certainly aware that his sabre rattling is laughable in view of North Korea's poor missile launch record.  He can't have forgotten that the US could make North Korea go away if so inclined.  No doubt he's already estranged from Michael Jordan.  No Jordan fan photos for you, Mister Too Big For His Britches!  

  At the core of my annoyance with the little stinker is disdain for his lack of destructive art expertise.  I just know if he ever blows off a missile he'll muck it up and kill people.  If he can even keep them out of the water, that is.  He's obviously an amateur and would do better to just hang out with all those goose stepping buddies of his.  Somebody give him a box of sparklers and a Big Gulp.

  As for Governor Perry, well, this must be dick measuring at it's finest.  It's no trick for Perry to turn a looming disaster into a compliment.  (Or visa versa.)  He had plenty of practice while campaigning.  However, I have to wonder whether having Texas targeted by the overgrown adolescent that's running North Korea is the font of joy to Texans that it is to Perry.  Remember the Cuban Missile Crisis?  Texans will start building bomb shelters if they didn't already do that back in '62I keep envisioning this Waco style picture; Texans armed to the teeth, ready and more than willing to engage the enemy.  If they engage Hing Lu when he delivers food from Wonton Junction, well, Oops!  When I think about it, a huge threat is probably meat and drink to many Texans.  They can alert all the well ordered militias that have nothing much to do and get Wayne La Pierre to be the general!  

  Gosh!  I feel almost sane now!  I admit I'm resentful when it comes to crazy people who aren't in here with me.  Just who do they think they are?  They get to be crazy right in public?  And hold public office?  And build missiles?  Something is wrong.  There needs to be an intervention.  We need a lot more maximum security psychiatric facilities just to handle the politicians and gun toting paranoids.  Both groups are ripe for violent psychosis.  As for our little potentate in North Korea, Michael Jordan's disapproval just might be enough to straighten him out. 

  Don't know WHAT to do about these guys!