Monday, March 18, 2013


  Wow! It's been nuts around here! I get to say nuts because I am nuts. Kind of like people who are black get to say the 'N word because they own the 'N word. Nobody else gets to say it except bigots, and they're pushing the envelope. Actually, everybody gets to say words like nuts, crazy, delusional, psychotic, etc., even if all they're doing is teasing friends or insulting people. (Don't call the boss nuts. Not advisable except behind his/her back.) Comedians use psychiatric terms, or act nuts, which just shows how popular crazy is, as long as it isn't real.

  Last Monday I had a really cool delusional episode. I believed I was playing basket ball with Carles Buggs. Pretty strange, since he plays for Minnesota's Golden Gophers. That's just college ball and I've never even been to Minnesota! So Buggs and I were playing against Michele Bachmann and her weird husband, and they were losing. They got mouthy and I was laughing, so all the gigglers, twirlers and screamers ramped up and became fans in the bleachers, only without real bleachers. Everybody who wasn't delusional at the moment joined the game, since Buggs and I were winning. Even Monty's imaginary baboon joined in. He has a great jump shot. (Monty was in the bleachers.) We were in overtime and Michele's weird husband was crying when the alarm bells started ringing. Well! We all knew what that meant! Bennie had escaped again!

  So THAT'S why Dr. Idiot didn't catch us playing delusional basket ball! He was (no doubt) freaking out because he was looking for Bennie so we all got out of getting shut in our rooms. Remember I mentioned that Bennie thinks he's Houdini? He happens to be really good at being Houdini. He knows a bunch of tricks, but his best trick is disappearing. He's pulled his disappearing act about a dozen times so we knew what to do. We ran around looking for crayons and paper and started a pool. The categories go like this: 1# Bennie gets caught. #2 He comes back voluntarily. #3 Where he's found. #4 How long he's gone. #5 He makes it outside. #6 He makes it off the grounds.

  Now, interference is always allowed, since it's a lot of fun. So when the chefs or Dr. Idiot came into the dining hall, we'd misdirect them. He took the elevator! He's in the bathroom! He's in Dr. Idiot's office! He's turned into a dust bunny! That last one doesn't work, but it's amusing. You'd think, after all these years they'd figure out we're just messing with them, but they always fall for it and go running off to find Bennie. Sometimes, we get Duds to imitate approaching cop sirens. He's so good at it that we all run to the windows, and sure enough, we see Dr. Idiot and the chefs tear out of the building. The last thing they want is for Bennie to get through the gates and be 'at large'. He's not very big, so 'at large' doesn't make much sense. Another funny thing: Bennie knows exactly how to be 'at large'. He just doesn't always feel like it. He has left the grounds a couple of times. Once, he got all the way to the land fill and was found passed out with a trash bag over his head. He never did that again!

  This time Bennie was 'at large' two whole nights! That was a first! He strolled back in about noon on Wednesday, bowed and gave us a big grin. We gave him a standing ovation. Then the chefs snatched him up and tossed him in a mop closet. We checked the pool. A couple of my fellow loonies guessed one or two categories. Guess who got three. ME! I picked two nights for the return time and that cinched it. I really wasn't trying to win. I like to see the other wackos have fun. The winner gets to pick a prize. Most people pick a bag of little fish crackers from each participant. Some of us like to get a bit creative. Freaking out our keepers is a favorite. I decided to do something different. I spread peanut butter all over my naked, wrinkled rump and made butt prints on the wall. Everybody howled with delight and many imitated me. It's nice to be appreciated. Dr. Idiot made me go to my room and take a 'shut up' pill. Guess I can't blame him. He had a rough couple of days.

  All of this should tell you something. Even though somebody is delusional, they still might be smarter than you, and sneakier. It's a point most people miss. That doesn't mean psychotics should be allowed to run 'at large' being Houdini. It should tell you this: lots of crazy people are smart enough to hide their mental state. Being crazy is something anybody would try to hide. It just isn't socially acceptable. So when psychos hide until they go volcanic, folks really shouldn't be surprised. Small wonder Hitchcock named a move 'Psycho'. Wasn't Norman Bates a psychotic smarty pants? Moreover, folks shouldn't pick on the family that doesn't see how nuts their loved one is. (Or can't corral an adult family nut case. So many legal barriers.) This even applies to the families of a loved one who goes out and kills people. It can be really hard to catch people being psychotic if they're clever enough to hide it. To condemn the family, in my opinion, is worse than stigmatizing the psychotic. After all, a psychotic gets to go somewhere reasonably safe and removed from the trouble they caused. Their family is left to suffer the stares and condemnation of society.

  Oh! One more thing: everybody should try the peanut butter butt prints. That's not psychotic, just a tad twisted, and a lot of fun.!

This is the REAL Houdini, Bennie's still in the mop closet.