Saturday, April 13, 2013


Judas Priest!  This weekend is shaping up to be a real circus!  I woke up to the sound of a fracas in the dining hall and got there just in time to see the chefs chasing people around trying to medicate them.  Roy was about the only one I could see who wasn't running around so I asked him what was happening.  He just genuflected and covered his mouth, which told me he was being a nun who took a vow of silence.  Roy never breaks his vows, so I crawled under the table where Monty was to ask what was going on.  He took his thumb out of his mouth long enough to yell, "Brain Chips!"  Then he stuck it up his nose as a visual aide.  Monty's imaginary baboon, who's never delusional, told me what started the fuss.     

Remember those squirrely looking guys who stuck swabs up our noses?  Turns out they weren't looking for jeans, they were looking for genes.  Crazy genes, to be exact.  Like some little gene is going to go psychotic so they'll know which one it is.  Honestly!  Sometimes normal people can be such twits!  Anyway, word came down the grape vine that the nose swabbing gene freaks were coming back to swab noses again.  This news was not greeted with cheers.  It was greeted with screams, the gnashing of teeth and the yanking of hair.  All my psycho buddies, once again, reached the conclusion that they were about to be implanted with brain chips.  Every time things started to calm down somebody would yell, "Brain chips!" and everybody would go nuts again.  The chefs kept trying to tell them it was just a rumor, but you know how that goes.  Rumors are always more believable than the truth.  Just look at Congress.  Any day now C-SPAN is going to air live feed coverage of the entire House full of Congress people running around screaming, "Brain chips! Brain chips!"

Why is it people don't listen when you're only trying to help?  You can see this phenomenon in action all the time.  For instance, the folks who want new gun regulations are NOT trying to take everybody's cap pistols.  They're trying to keep people from getting shot!  HELLO!!  The folks who want gay marriage aren't trying to threaten the fabric of civilization, they're just trying to be nice!  What's wrong with that?  I keep running into this problem too.  I give people advice through my Dear Nanabanana forum and NOBODY LISTENS!  Darn it all!  Why do they ask if they aren't going to listen?  Case in point, see the following:

Pot Party Bust Results In
Felony Charges

by Carl Lingerlong, for Police Beat

In response to a noise abatement call, police arrived at 1298 Tweezer St., to discover a party in progress, with an estimated 60 people on the property, dancing to loud rock music under a heavy haze of pot smoke.  Police called for back up while the party goers scattered, many of whom climbed the 6 foot privacy fence to escape.  Only 6 of the revelers were detained, all of whom were minors too heavily drugged to run.  Cursory examination of the open garage revealed 16 pounds of marijuana, 200 "hits" of LSD and several platters of marijuana laced brownies.

One of the detained minors informed police that the home owner, Mr. Donald Burnbottom, was last seen entering the crawl space beneath his house the previous day.  Police used a remote bomb detonation robot to inspect the crawl space where they discovered a naked Mr. Burnbottom crouching, giggling and singing while coating a Rottweiler in cobwebs.  

A group of neighbors stated that Mrs. Burnbottom and the two Burnbottom children had left town several weeks earlier.  "It's been crazy around here ever since the wife split," remarked Ms. Angel Knitski.  "Don's been such a good neighbor.  It's sad to see him fall apart like this."  Ms. Knitski described the recent activities at the Burnbottom household as "perpetual partying with people running naked all over the place".  Mrs. Burnbottom could not be reached for comment.  The Rottweiler was returned to it's owner who is considering animal abuse charges after discovering that the dog was "very stoned".

The curious lack of any earlier complaints was explained when it became known that nearly all of the subdivision residents were in India, celebrating the Hindu holiday of Holi.  "Nobody likes to see somebody get busted", remarked neighbor Brent Vigorelli.  "We all love to party, but it got way too silly.  I mean, there's limits, even in California."  It took several hours of coaxing before Mr. Burnbottom emerged from beneath his house to be taken into custody. Probable felony charges include distributing drugs to minors, possession with intent to distribute or sell marijuana and LSD, plus lesser charges of burning bonfires and use of fireworks in a residential neighborhood.

Mr. Burnbottom, a mortgage loan officer for Bank of America, will remain in the Hoarfrost County jail under observation until he is able to respond to questioning.

A Polaroid instant photo found on the scene shows  
Mr. Burnbottom, center, with unknown guests.