Sunday, December 2, 2012

Brain Chips!

What a day!  Dr. Idiot didn't tell us we'd be having visitors!  We'd just finished eating breakfast and these folks walked right in!  There was five of them, all guys wearing white coats like the chefs.  They seemed to be a bit uncomfortable.  Maybe it was the oatmeal and Wheaties splattered all over the place.  One guy reminded me of Barney Fife.  He was all buggy eyed and his adam's apple was hopping up and down.  Naturally, everybody started getting all excited.  First the gigglers started, that set of the twirlers, then the screamers pitched in and everybody else either curled up in a corner or took their clothes off.  I love a floor show!  Then Dr. Idiot came in with the chefs.  That brought the volume down.  Nobody wants to wake up in the mop closet.
Dr. Idiot told us the visitors were going to take samples of our jeans.  We were all very confused.  We don't wear jeans!  We wear these floppy little outfits with Velcro for buttons.  Sometimes we take them off to see how many we can Velcro together.  My buddy the Meth Maker jumped up and yelled, "Piece man!"  Two of the chefs took him out right away.  I heard Dr. Idiot say the Meth Maker was just polluted, not psychotic.  Is that any reason to leave him out of the fun?  So next they started dragging us to one of the dining tables.  They grabbed Rita first.  They whipped out tongue depressors and Q-Tips.  They tried to get in Rita's mouth and she bit off the tongue depressor.  So they stuck the Q-Tip up her nose!  That was a big mistake!  Everybody who saw that started yelling, "Brain chips! Brain chips!" and the floor show started up again.
Brain chips are a big concern around here.  I've never really believed the rumors about brain chips, but the visitors said they wanted samples of jeans.  So who's crazy?  Everybody knows there aren't any jeans up a person's nose!  All the visitors, chefs and Dr. Idiot used their fake comfort voices to say; "now now, just be still, it won't hurt, it only takes a second".  Didn't work, but eventually they got in all our noses.  I kept MY dignity.  After they stuck that Q-Tip up my nose I grabbed a bunch and crammed them in my mouth.  That showed THEM!  Then we were all planted back in our rooms.  Lunch was late and a third of the bunch were still in their rooms.  After the chefs delivered lunch the muttering started.  Every other mutter was, "Brain chips!".
Now, I'm not crazy enough to believe I've got jeans up my nose much less a brain chip.  I've been hearing my looney buddies muttering about brain chips for so long I just figured they were paranoid, which they are.  Still, there was so much muttering about it, I thought I'd go online and see what I could find and...

OH NO!  IT'S TRUE!  THERE REALLY ARE BRAIN CHIPS AND PEOPLE ALREADY HAVE THEM!  The evil scientists are taking over!  Everybody will have brain chips very soon and if there's a power outage WE'LL ALL FALL DOWN!