Friday, November 30, 2012

Dear Nanabanana

Hi faithful readers!  I was thrilled to see that I'm starting to get messages from you and that you apparently think I know what I'm doing!  I'd like to answer all your requests for advice, but as you know, it's difficult for me to get access to the computer.  Dr. Idiot only allows me to use it for an hour a day.  Two if I claw at my face and promise to stop chewing on the mouse cord.  He's such a fuss pot!  I decided to expose you to the message below because it's so important to be encouraging and supportive.  This poor lady is desperate!  So here goes...

Dear Nanabanana,

I've been suffering from peculiar and inappropriate impulses that have become impossible to suppress.  For instance, I hide under the bushes in front of my house and jump out when the mailman arrives.  He screams, the mail flies up in the air and he falls on his behind.  It makes me laugh, but I know it's WRONG.  Sometimes I eat the cat food right out of his bowl, but it's so tasty I can't resist.  My cat hates me now.  Last week I went next door, emptied the neighbor's hot tub and filled it with composted manure.  I knew my neighbor was at work so I wouldn't get caught.  What surprised me is how pungent composted manure is when you warm it up in a hot tub.  After all, it's composted!  I just stayed in the house when the police arrived. 
Worst of all, I've started doing things to my husband while he's sleeping.  Thankfully, he's a very deep sleeper.  One night, I hooked the pull cord on the window blinds to his big toe.  In the morning he got out of bed, the blinds flew up with a ZING and then the whole set of blinds came crashing down!  I had to hide under the blankets and stuff my mouth with the pillow so he wouldn't know I was laughing!  Amazingly, he didn't figure out how it happened!  Last night he was sleeping in his Lazy Boy while I watched Hoarders and, well, I disrobed, stood on a chair and rubbed my naked lady parts on his HEAD.  When he started to wake up I jumped down, ran in the bathroom and hid in the shower stall.  I laughed so hard, but he just went back to sleep!  I don't understand why I'm doing such things.  Is there any hope for me?

Strange in the Suburbs

Dear Strange,

No.  There's no hope for you.  It doesn't matter how many mind altering drugs you try.  No amount of therapy or psychiatric care will make the slightest difference.  There's nothing that affects the kind of deranged, perverted behavior you engage in.  You simply have to learn how to forgive and accept yourself for who you are!  You have every right to express yourself, even if it results in social rejection or a few trips to the slammer.  It doesn't matter what others think of you.  It's how you think of yourself that counts!  Embrace the true you!  Celebrate all that makes you a unique entity swirling around in the cosmos!  Also, you might want to grab that lazy husband of yours and demand some sex.  Dr. Idiot says it's very calming.  Other than that, fly free, free bird!  Keep on keepin' on!
Oh, and thanks for the tips!

Your friend,